Shifty-Eyed Baby

Most people think that being a mime would be glamorous and fun. What they don't realize is that mimes usually live very short, violent lives.

I was watching pool the other day and noticed that there isn't much advertising going on during the game. Maybe pool players should be more like NASCAR drivers and start putting all kinds of crazy ads all over their bodies. Since there's a lot of bending over I think the best location would be around the ass region. Ads for Preparation H and butt plugs would fit right in. (Pun intended!)

John before watching 300:

Tourist: Pardon me, but is this Boston Common?
Me: Good day! No, I'm afraid it is not. But if you just go down that street you will find it.
Tourist: Thank you, kind sir!
Me: No, thank YOU for visiting my fair city!

John after watching 300:

Tourist: Pardon me, but is this Boston Common?
Me: Boston Common?! THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!!
*kicks tourist into bottomless pit*

Me: Hey, is anyone in the bathroom? GAH!
James Blunt: Oh sorry, I was taking a shower.
Me: What's that white chord coming out of your ass?
James Blunt: Oh, that's my iPod. This girl smiled at me on the subway, but she was with another man. He took my iPod and shoved it up my ass.
Me: Why didn't you take it out?
James Blunt: Actually, I kind of like it. Now I can shower while listening to my music.
Me: We can't live together anymore.

The History Channel was running a show about the greatest weapons in history. My only complaint is that they omitted what I think was the greatest weapon of all: The mirrored cod piece. It was simply a mirror that you wore over your crotch. During battle, it would serve as a distraction. Your enemy would see his face in your crotch and start to wonder if he was gay. And in that split second of homoerotic confusion you would make your move.

Someone on TV said that it's a good idea to have an erection while streaking because no one wants to tackle a guy with a boner. I thought this was good advice and it got me thinking. What if there was money involved like in a game show? The show could be called something like Boner Tackle or Catch the Boner. The only problem is even if you win, you really lose.

Me: Wow, these are great seats.
Jesus: Oh yeah, good thing that entire family got diarrhea so we could move down closer.
Me: Are you saying you had something to do with that?
Jesus: No, I'm just saying that, you know, shit happens.
Me: Very funny.
Jesus: Hey look, it's Moses!
Me: Man, look at him. Just waiting for the crowd to do the wave so he can part them.
Jesus: Ha ha, oh my Dad. So true.
Me: Okay, so try to not catch every single home run again.
Jesus: What, I'm subtle about it.
Me: So subtle you pushed that little kid off the balcony to catch the last one.
Jesus: Hellooooo, I did die for his sins.
Me: You can't use that as an excuse for everything.
Jesus: Hey, I have two words for you: Red Sox.
Me: Okay, okay. Thanks for that by the way.
Jesus: Hey, no problem. I know what it's like to suffer.

Did you know that Jay-Z has his own vodka? This changes everything! Now instead of hitting on women in a bar the old fashioned way, I'm just going to loudly order a Jay-Z and tonic. This way the ladies will know right away what a pimp I am. The only problem will be figuring out what to do with all the women that will be surrounding me wanting babies. I guess every bottle of Jay-Z vodka should come with a condom. NO, a box of condoms. WAIT, and shares of stock in Trojan.

Some would say that the world is an unfriendly place. Well, normally I would have to agree, but something happened the other day that changed my mind. I was waiting in line to use the bathroom when the gentleman in front of me offered to share his urinal with me. I was touched by his generosity! While we peed side-by-side we chatted a bit.

Me: Wow, this bathroom sure is small.
Guy: Sure is.
Me: Those are some cool tattoos you've got there.
Guy: Why thank you.
Me: That one on your arm, are those two naked guys wrestling?
Guy: Uh, yeah. You could say that.
Me: ...
Guy: ...

I love a good hug. Especially an awkwardly long hug. Sometimes it's fun to not let go and just listen to the other person scream and try to break free. After all, I have no idea who she is and maybe this will help us to get to know each other better.