Shifty-Eyed Baby

Most people think that being a mime would be glamorous and fun. What they don't realize is that mimes usually live very short, violent lives.

Me: Wow, these are great seats.
Jesus: Oh yeah, good thing that entire family got diarrhea so we could move down closer.
Me: Are you saying you had something to do with that?
Jesus: No, I'm just saying that, you know, shit happens.
Me: Very funny.
Jesus: Hey look, it's Moses!
Me: Man, look at him. Just waiting for the crowd to do the wave so he can part them.
Jesus: Ha ha, oh my Dad. So true.
Me: Okay, so try to not catch every single home run again.
Jesus: What, I'm subtle about it.
Me: So subtle you pushed that little kid off the balcony to catch the last one.
Jesus: Hellooooo, I did die for his sins.
Me: You can't use that as an excuse for everything.
Jesus: Hey, I have two words for you: Red Sox.
Me: Okay, okay. Thanks for that by the way.
Jesus: Hey, no problem. I know what it's like to suffer.

Some would say that the world is an unfriendly place. Well, normally I would have to agree, but something happened the other day that changed my mind. I was waiting in line to use the bathroom when the gentleman in front of me offered to share his urinal with me. I was touched by his generosity! While we peed side-by-side we chatted a bit.

Me: Wow, this bathroom sure is small.
Guy: Sure is.
Me: Those are some cool tattoos you've got there.
Guy: Why thank you.
Me: That one on your arm, are those two naked guys wrestling?
Guy: Uh, yeah. You could say that.
Me: ...
Guy: ...

I love a good hug. Especially an awkwardly long hug. Sometimes it's fun to not let go and just listen to the other person scream and try to break free. After all, I have no idea who she is and maybe this will help us to get to know each other better.

If you could open a restaurant, any kind you want, what would it look like and what's on the menu?
Submitted by A is for Amy.

I would open a restaurant for busy parents. You can bring your baby with you and put it in the back while you eat. The secret is that the baby is what's for dinner! When I tell the parents after the meal, they will probably be horrified. This is why it feels good when I tell them that no one gets served their own baby. I mean come on, I'm not a monster.

Would you rather go back in time or visit the future?
Submitted by Auds.

I would like to go into the past, around the time when humans started coming around. I'd make an effort to mate with every woman so that everyone in the future would look like me! Then instead of Homo sapiens we would be called Sexy sapiens ... Or something like that.

There is a right way and a wrong way to react to a friend's ugly baby.

Right way: "Oh my, your baby has an interesting look. Lots of character!"

Wrong way: "Yikes, which hole did you push that out of?!"

Don't make the same mistake that I did.

You know what's weird? When your coworker doesn't answer your calls for a week and when you go to his office and open the door, you find a monkey in front of his computer and peanut butter smeared all over the keyboard. The monkey and I just stared at each other for a while and then I slowly closed the door and left.

What's one thing you regret not doing? 
Submitted by Mr. Nice.

Going underwear shopping with Britney Spears. I really should have made time for that.

What song gives you the most holiday cheer?
Submitted by Roxy.

Probably "Smack That" by Akon. It also makes a good wedding song.